“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

"Death has been swallowed up in victory."

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

These are the lines that many Christians quote to people who have just lost someone to death. While this is written in scripture it is not actually true...yet.

You see, when these verses are quoted they are often taken out of context. Paul quotes from Isaiah 25:18 and Hosea 13:14 only AFTER he writes, "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"" (I Corinthians 15:54-55 emphasis added by me)

I believe Paul is talking about the final resurrection when all believers, whether dead or alive, will receive eternal bodies that will not hurt, fall apart or die. This has not happened yet. So please, when you see someone who has just lost a loved one, do NOT quote these passages as a means of comfort.

My point is not to warn others about what to say or not say to someone who is grieving, but rather to question why we feel the need to say anything at all. What makes us so uncomfortable around suffering and death that we believe we can ease someone's loss by merely citing scripture like a magical incantation?

After attending the funeral of my Grandma's brother and being with my mentor's family as his wife's father passed away recently, I have been pondering the words of Solomon, "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart." (Ecclesiastes 7:2)

Death sucks. I hate it with every ounce of my being. The death of a loved one is often considered to be most traumatic experience anyone can have. Death still stings. Death still wins. I know and believe fully that Jesus has risen and he holds the keys to death. But until He comes back and resurrects us all, right now death still wins.

And because of this we should mourn. We should ponder our lives and what they are worth. We should sit quietly with those who mourn as Job's friends did for the first week of visiting him. We should hold them and cry with them. We must learn to embrace the tension of those awkward, quiet moments and not run from them.

Can we do better? Can we be the quiet, loving comfort that others need in their darkest hours? Can we learn that our presence is far greater than our words? Can we learn to hug and cry better than we memorize and quote scripture? If so, we can far better demonstrate the love of Jesus in a significant way to those who desperately need it.

Adopted, Accepted, and A Son of God

Many people are saying in Christian circles to those who argue against Christianity that, "It's not a religion; it's a relationship." I couldn't agree more. But isn't the word 'relationship' rather vague? I mean, shouldn't we keep going to not only speak of what this relationship is exactly, but what it practically means for every human being who has ever lived? What about this quote, "All I need is God...nothing else, just Him." It sounds mighty fine and pious, but is it true? Is God really all we need? I'll come back to these two things in a second.

As I sit here a mere 2 days away from marrying the woman I not only fell in love with over the last 4 years, but also the woman I know God wants me to marry, I am overcome with many thoughts and feelings. Now I don't want to make a huge deal as though I'm the only person in the history of man to ever get married, but as I sit halfway across the world away from the land I so often called home, away from the people I call Dad, Mom, brother, sister, niece, and nephew, I can't help but feel scared and lonely.

Why am I scared? Well for starters, it's the unknowns: What kind of husband will I be? Will I always protect her? Will I always honor her? Will I always fight for her? Will I always be there for her in a way that lets her know that she is a special and loved daughter of God? Will I always sacrifice for her over and above myself? Always?...I'm afraid the resounding, truthful, albeit unromantic answer is, "No, not always."

Will I fail her? Yes.

Why I am I lonely? Though I grew up as a boy, and thus never played house or dreamed of my wedding day, I had always assumed that when my wedding day would come, my family would be there. The ones who love me and know me so dearly are so far away. I and they cannot change this reality. It was in part my choice and a huge part God's.

Though I struggle with these thoughts and feelings, I also get to experience God's grace and love in a way that I probably wouldn't in other circumstances. This is the point. Christianity is so much more than a relationship with Jesus...it's a relationship with our real Father...a relationship with the Holy Spirit who never leaves us...and the countless relationships of brothers and sisters in Christ from all over the world. It's a family. Though everything is so obviously about God, He created us in such a way that He is NOT all we need...He is the main thing we need, but He designed us for fellowship and community within a family.

The truth is that Christianity is not a religion, it's a family. And all we need is God...and His family.

I am a son of the Living God...rightful co-heir with Christ to His Kingdom and His Glory. I did nothing to earn or achieve this. He simply chose to adopt me. As Dudley Hall puts it, we are in the kitchen and we don't have to work to get into the kitchen though all the orphans are trying. If you know Jesus, you are my brother or sister. And I love you.

In this upcoming part, I want to thank my family here in country with me as well as my family back in the States.

Miles, thank you for being my team leader. Thank you for listening to me as I struggle and for encouraging and challenging me to grow as a leader. Thank you for coming to be here for this occasion. I have a great deal of respect for you and what you have been through and the man you are becoming. I love you brother. Carla, thank you for teaching me how to cook more. I still suck at it, but you took the time to show me some things. Thank you for taking such wonderful care of your family and for celebrating with us as though we were your family. You are a wonderful wife, mother, and friend. I love you, Miles, and your children so very much.

Tim & Joanna, I love the courage and insights you have from above. You have been a constant source of joy and love in a place that so desperately needs salt and light. Though you have many concerns and fears, you have always faced them and continually work through them. You have always supported me and helped me. Thank you both so very much for being an amazing example for me those around you. You both have my upmost respect and love...I love you both.

Lenissa, you taught me how to say, "No." It's a rare trait and it's one I needed to learn badly as a leader. You have grown so much from the time that I first met you over 4 years ago, and I love the woman of the Lord that you have become and are becoming. Thank you for bridging the gaps between the last team and our team. Thank you for always listening, considering, and caring for each of us so consistently and lovingly. I love you sister.

Drew & Leslie, I have been overcome by the love you have for me, our team, and so many other teams and brothers and sisters. You guys are doing such an amazing job and I hope you don't ever feel unappreciated for what you do. I have so much love and respect for you both. Thank you for loving me so well and for being awesome parents for little Eliana. I love you three so very much.

David & Jana, wow...words cannot begin to express...but I will try. David, you were one of the first guys to be the hand of God to pick me up when I was at my lowest. You welcomed me back to being with the family again and you personified grace in so many ways to me. You listened as I shared my deepest, darkest secrets and sins. You loved me not less, but more as I sought healing from my past. You are a friend that is closer than a brother. Jana, I'm so thankful you and David are growing and learning what it means to be married as you look to disciple Italians for years to come. You are a free spirited and creative. I love you and David so very much.

Hugh & Dana, again...words are difficult to truly speak my heart as I recall the 2 plus years you put up with me and never gave up, even though I'm sure you wanted to at times. Hugh, you showed me a leadership that is rare, raw, and powerful in Christ. You personified the power of God's truth and light in penetrating the deepest, darkest, hardest parts of my heart and past. I would not be in the process of becoming the man and leader God wants me to be if you had not faced me, my pride, and my sin and called it what it truly was. I owe you more than words can speak. I'm proud to be one of your graduates at KAM and to have had the time with you that I had. Dana, thank you both for being faithful to each other all these years and for loving me with words of encouragement and prayer. I know Hugh is the man he is today in large part because of the woman you are. I love you and Hugh so very much.

There are so many others of you that I want to thank and write to let you know just how much I love you and am thankful that God has placed you in my life as my brother and sister. I need you in my life. You have supported, prayed, and encouraged me in more ways than I could write about. Due to time limits, I am now going to make mention of my family.

Paul, God could not have given me a better older brother. Though our personalities are polar opposites in many ways, you are one of my best friends and great confidants. You were there for me when I was so far from Jesus I didn't know how to come back to Him. You have been such an awesome example of what a godly husband can be. Thank you for being there for me when I was down and for becoming the godly man you are becoming today. Yours is a truly blessed family. Dani, thank you for being so thoughtful and caring as a mother to Isaac and Eli, and for being an amazing sister-in-law. Thank you for loving Paul so faithfully and for becoming the Godly wife you are today. I love you, Paul, Isaac, and Eli so very much.

Karyn, you and I know have had our dark days, and that is no secret. Though you were hurting and searching for peace in all the wrong places for so many years, you finally surrendered. You showed me a truly broken soul and a humility to learn that so few people have these days. I needed to see it...to know that it is possible. I hate what you had to go through, but I can't help but be over come by the grace that you are so obviously wrapped and caught up in. Thank you for learning what it means to be a godly wife and mother. Candon, you had your share of fears and hurts from the past, but you have been learning what it means to be healed and grow through these fears. Thank you for marrying and staying faithful to Karyn. You both have come such a long way and I am so very proud that you are my brother and friend. You both have such wonderful gifts in Madison, Deuce, Ariel, and Logan. Thank you for raising them in the way of the Lord. I love all of you so very much.

Jeremy, we were so close in age and growing up together in terms of space. However, I didn't do enough to be closer to you as a brother. For that, I'm so very sorry. I love you and the man you are. As the years have gone on and technology has advanced, you have always been there to answer my questions and to share fun times of playing games together. I want to know you more brother. I am proud that you are my brother. Anna, thank you for loving Jeremy and sharing your life with him. I that you have been through some difficult things in the past and I'm proud that you are working so hard to have a home that Grace and Max can grow up in knowing that they are loved and protected. I love you, Jeremy, Max, and Grace so very much.

Anya, I don't know when you'll be able to read this, but I am sorry I wasn't there for all those years you grew up in our family. I know it wasn't necessarily my fault as I was in the military, but I tried and will continue to try to be there for you as you struggle to learn what it means to live this life for what counts. Know that I think and pray for you often, and though you are going through scary, difficult times right now, I will always love you and will do what I can to be there for you. You are my little sister and I love you so very much.

Robyn, I picked on you a lot. A LOT. So much so that it was incessant and downright wrong at times. I saw the love that everyone showed you and I took it upon myself to be your humbler...yeah, not a job description for any human being. I'm SO sorry Robyn. In spite of me and my hooliganisms, you have become quite the strong, sassy, and beautiful woman. Now you are a wife and a mother of two. I can't imagine how rewarding and difficult it can be. You have much courage for this task and I'm thankful that you were willing to be that woman for Jake, Taitym, and Takota. Jake, I wish I knew you better. I always enjoyed watching a Rangers game or Mavericks game with you. Thank you for taking on the responsibility to love, cherish, protect, and provide for my youngest sister. I love you, Robyn, Taitym, and Takota so very much.

Mom 2 (Dawne), you came into my life when it was shattered and you filled the role of mother with dedication and desire to see us united as a family...one family. You cleaned the clothes, cooked the food, washed the dishes, taught me how to work in the home, and you taught me to do what needs to be done. Though you are hurting and have made some painful choices, I still count you as my second Mom. I hope our relationship can truly be restored as your relationship with God is restored. I love you so very much.

Mom, though our relationship was broken all these years, you have prayed and waited steadfastly. This is what I have done for over 3 years of pursuing my soon-to-be bride...prayed and waited. Thank you for never giving up hope that one day we would be united again in our relationship. O how I, too, wish you were here to dance with me at the wedding celebration. You are a beautiful soul and the most listening, loving person I know...and you fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. I pray to have that same courage as well. You have taken such amazing care of Gary, Grandma, and Gary's Mom over the years. Gary, I don't know if I have ever heard you complain...once. You are such a thankful and loving person. Thank you for marrying Mom and taking care of her as you can all these years. I love you and  Mom so very much.

Dad, I love you. I know you know it, but I always want to tell you just how honored and proud I am to be the son of David Schrodt. I know you haven't been perfect, but you have always tried to be the father I needed, even when times were most difficult for you and the pressure was so immense you could feel it at every turn. You have given me quite a template of what a man is. I hope one day to be at least half as faithful, steadfast, and true in my life as you have been in mine. Over the last few years you have become my best friend. I love you Dad so very much.

There is so much to be thankful for...ultimately, I'm thankful to Jesus who came to this earth, took on my humanity and reality and sin and died in my place. I'm thankful Father chose me to be His son, Jesus' brother and the Spirit's home. I'm thankful for the family he gave me to grow up with as well as the family He continually surrounds me with here in C. Asia.

BOOZ KASHI

So this last Sunday, I have the privilege of attending my first ever Booz Kashi event here in C. Asia. I've heard a lot of hype over it the last few weeks and I finally understand why.

The Objective: While riding a horse, getting beat & whipped mercilessly by other riders, take the dead goat carcass and place it in the big tire in the middle of a field.

Why: Prizes range from Televisions, to Persian or Turkish rugs, to cash rewards.

Now this game goes back for centuries, so I got to experience some history while dodging horses running full speed in every direction (including mine). I'll let the videos and pictures tell the rest of the story:

While trying to capture the intensity and thrill of this C. Asian sport on camera, I was nearly trampled by horses a few times as the videos will show. I was fortunate. However, this man was not:

But please don't worry about him...he turned out to be just fine. Tim & I got our picture with him since he was such a trooper:

Here is where the riders are supposed to place the dead goat to get the prize...inside this tractor tire:

If the goat is dropped before the tire, the riders fight over it and it has to be taken outside the field of play before being brought back in for another try. Here is a tug-of-war that doesn't work out so well for one of these 2 guys:

Before the afternoon fun was over, Miles, my team leader, talked some of the leaders of the village into letting me ride one of the horses:

Hugh...I hope you would be proud: I didn't get thrown off the horse.

Conceiving, Warming, & Hatching Business Ideas

Have you ever had a business idea? If so, what kept you from trying to start a business? Lack of education, guidance, finances, or advice? Maybe you have never attempted to start a business before and felt inexperienced and unqualified, or maybe you didn't believe it would be successful or worthy of trying.

What if there was a business solely devoted to helping you not only start a business, but also seeing you into the first 3-5 years of operation for the mere cost of consulting fees? Just as egg incubators provide warmth and an environment conducive for growth to hatch chickens, so a business incubator provides direction and an environment to help hatch entrepreneurial businesses. Entrepreneurs in an incubator would receive guidance in every aspect of business:

• Business-Planning
• Book-Keeping
• Government Registration
• Tax Administration 
• Investor Relations
• Financing Options
• Marketing & Sales
• Business-Process Refining

Business incubators are programs designed to accelerate the successful development of entrepreneurial companies through an array of business support resources and services, developed and orchestrated by incubator management and offered both in the incubator and through its network of contacts. Incubators vary in the way they deliver their services, in their organizational structure, and in the types of clients they serve. Successful completion of a business incubation program increases the likelihood that a start-up company will stay in business for the long term: older studies found 87% of incubator graduates stayed in business,^[1] in contrast to 44% of all firms.^[2]   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Business_incubator

This is what we are starting here in C. Asia as a new paradigm for creating lasting, sustainable, and deeply-impactful relationships. But why business? Aren't businesses focused more on making a profit for financial gains? What benefit does a business model offer that an NGO or other model does not? 

Accessibility, credibility, and most importantly...sustainability. Working in certain countries entails that you have legitimate purposes for being there for any extended period of time. Most countries in the world will recognize the legitimacy and need of businesses for its economy, thus there is access. This leads to credibility. As businesses are developed and jobs are created, any government will see the benefit of such a model for its economy and people. Sustainability is the crucial part. What happens when an NGO or other non-profit closes up and leaves a location? The work stops. But what if we have spread the knowledge and ability for "like-minded" individuals to help create business relationships that would train others in ethical, profitable, reproducing ventures and relationships? The impact would continue to spread like a drop on the pond long after we are gone.

Fifty three percent (53%) of the population here is below the poverty line (est. 2009). Forty percent (40%) of this country's Gross Domestic Product (GDP) comes from Russia. There are few jobs here in this struggling economy. Therefore many fathers and sons leave their wives, daughters, and sisters for Russian to find work as minimum-wage manual laborers to support their families. As anyone can imagine, this causes tearing in the family structure here and sometimes divorces ensue. This is especially true of the area in which we work.

The survival rate globally for business start-ups is 44%. A business that begins in a business incubator stays in the incubator for an average 3 years and has an 87% success rate. Three years is a long time to build impactful relationships.

We believe Father wants us to change change lives on every level. With His guidance through a business incubator, we believe we can have an eternal impact. 

2011 In Review

Here are a few pictures looking back at my last few months here in C. Asia:

This is the room I moved into when I arrived.

Jet-lag...

The monument in the center of the capital city

Breaking bread for Eed Corvon

I have been named after a Turkish actor who, unlike me, has far more hair on his head than on his face.

Mark gave me a tour of the various water wheels in the Dust Valley.

Our company's leaders personally flew in to see the work that has been going on and to encourage us in this new chapter!

We enjoyed a Halloween Party at the Gleaton's!

Mark & Shabnam moved to the capital, so they had a going away party...it got a little crazy...

We continue to build relationships and make wedding appearances when invited. There was plenty of food and dancing to go around.

Our company helped sponsor a Judo Tournament for the surrounding village's children.

Miles, Joanna, Tim & I look on at our new office building...New Beginnings!

Welcome 2012!!

Repentance: "Turning Away" or "Trading Up"?

We've all seen those old men with scruffy faces and intense eyes standing in the streets of the cities crying out, "Repent or burn in Hell!" or "God hates sin!". People walk by looking on with disdain thinking, "Why would I want to listen to a nut like that?!" If the kingdom of God is near, why does that need to sound like a bad thing?

Before I flew across the pond (Atlantic Ocean) and a few mountains to where I live today, I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with a mentor and a friend of mine at a retreat put on by Dudley Hall. At this retreat, many ideas were presented from the scriptures that had a fresh, albeit biblically accurate perspective. We discussed many things including what the old covenant law means for us as participants in the new covenant today, time management, and the different views of repentance.

Repentance is the idea I wanted to write about today. Over that weekend Dudley shared with me a book he had written about repentance and the typical views we all hear about what this word truly means. I've heard many arguments over what it means and the arguments themselves make it clearly a highly disputed and misunderstood topic.

Is repentance necessary for salvation? If not, is it necessary after salvation? Does it apply to only the Jews and not the Gentiles? Who really preached repentance in the new testament?

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." -John the Baptist (Matt. 3:2)

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." -Jesus the Messiah (Matt. 4:17)

"The time has come...the kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!" -Jesus (Mark 1:15)

"This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem." -Jesus (Luke 24:46-47)

"So then, God has granted even the Gentiles repentance unto life." -The Jewish believers after hearing Peter's explanation of why he went to Cornelius' house (Acts 11:18)

"I have declared to both Jews and Greeks that they must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus." -Paul [Preacher to the Gentiles] (Acts 20:21)

I could continue on and on with many more examples, but I believe what is written will suffice. Here are 3 observations:

1. Jesus, John, Peter, and Paul all spoke of or preached about repentance
2. Repentance was preached and granted to both Jews and Gentiles
3. Repentance is spoken of in positive terms, not negative (i.e. "turn or burn")

When repentance occurs, it is ALWAYS a positive thing. Why? It brings the kingdom of heaven into the life of someone new. It brings acceptance of what God has to offer (salvation, His rule, His resurrection power). No longer are we bound to the power of this world and it's rulers. No longer do we have to operate on our own understanding. No longer do we have to live as orphans working, striving, competing for acceptance, forgiveness, love...but now we can live as sons or daughters of the Living King, accepted, forgiven, loved unconditionally and forever.

Repentance, though it does involve turning away from our sins, is ultimately focused on TRADING UP to what God has to offer as opposed to what we, ourselves, or this world has to offer. It is the releasing of what you currently have (sin, shame, guilt, orphan-status, no acceptance, pride, hate, fear) and taking hold of what God offers (forgiveness, righteousness, blamelessness, adoption as sons/daughters, acceptance, humility, joy, love...and SO much more). Repentance is absolutely and always necessary to take hold of what God is offering...whether you are a believer or non-believer. Repentance is a lifestyle.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Eid Corbon (Holiday celebrating Abraham's sacrifice of Ishmael)

The typical spread at everyone's home on Corbon

This was my first experience with a Muslim holiday. According to Muslim tradition, this was the day that commemorates the sacrifice of Ishmael by his father Abraham. Early in the morning, the children go to all the different homes and ask for candy (mainly gum) and balloons. If it sounds familiar, it's because it's very similar to our Halloween, except all the candy gathering is done during the morning and day hours rather than in the evening. 

Starting around 9am, the day consisted of our team driving around to different people's houses with whom we had established relationships with and sharing in food and conversation. I haven't even been here 2 months (including the time back in 2008) and I visited 11 homes yesterday. Each home had a spread about like this one pictured above...and they want/expect you to eat. So eat I did. 

In spite of the fact that I was eating tons of food and understanding little of the conversations, I actually enjoyed the day. Our team discussed many of the reasons why they celebrate. We later found that the reasons for the traditions and the prayers for the dead (especially in homes where someone had died this year) were rooted far more in folk ancestor worship rather than in Islam itself. 

This is wonderful for giving us further insight into this culture and understanding ways we can connect and share the Message that gives life and freedom.

If I eat another bite, I don't think I could bear it...

I have a new roommate. He is a national, "like-minded" fellow whom I affectionately refer to in my blog and email updates as "V-ball" since he and I both love to play Volleyball. I'm learning a lot about this culture as I get to live, work, and enjoy recreation with my new friend and brother.

So one morning, I awake around 6:30am to him knocking on my door to tell me some important news. One of his friends in another village about 45 minutes away had shot a bear and wanted to give him and his friends the meat. So he comes in and sits on my bed to tell me about all of this and that I needed to go with him to help cut this bear up and bring it back to our village. 

I listened...thought...listened some more and then told him I would have to pass on this opportunity. It's getting real cold here and I figured this would be a whole-day ordeal that I was not interested in getting stuck in. So I told him to have fun and take some pictures.

After V-ball returns, he brings home 2 arms/shoulders and part of the back-bone with ribs. So then begins the work of cutting all the meat away from the bones. I have never done anything like this before in my life, but it seemed simple enough. We did it in our kitchen and here is what it looked like:

Notice we used wonderful tools such as a wood-axe and a knife bought from the hardware store that day.

It's tedious work cutting away all that meat from the backbone...but I was hungry for bear.

I haven't lived here a month and already I have had numerous "firsts" in terms of my experiences. God is blowing me away and teaching me ways of living which provide numerous examples of finding the spiritual significance that I can relate to the locals. 

Steps 8 & 9: Restoring Relationships (Making amends with those whom we have hurt throughout our past)

FINALLY!!! I'm all caught up on the 12 Step updates!

Steps 8 & 9 are combined as they flow out of a singular biblical principle.

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24)


Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

When I first began these steps, I thought it was going to be pretty easy to go and apologize for all the damages and pain I have caused others...but once again I underestimated my pride. It has been a slow work in progress because making amends with others properly requires HUMILITY. It has meant telling others to their face that I was wrong. Why is it so difficult to admit this?? Why have I spent so much time and wasted so much energy trying to convince others and myself that I wasn't wrong...that I was justified in my sin and wrong-doings?

Plus, we are slammed with this idea that we don't ever to need to look into our pasts and deal with it. After all, it's in the past...we should move on and look forward to greater things, right? What I have failed to realize in this thing called life is that we often carry our pasts without even realizing it.


The baggage becomes a part of what makes up our character defects...like a cancer that comes from our very own cells. Don't get me wrong...God doesn't want us living in the past, but it doesn't mean He doesn't want us to deal with our past. This means we have to get real, admit that we have screwed up royally, then go and ask for forgiveness.

Since I began taking an honest look at what I have done to others, God has granted me the ability to forgive others who had hurt me. When we see our sin the way God sees it and then understand that He's forgiven it, it makes it SO much easier to forgive others who are just like me...in desperate need of His grace.

During this Step, God has shown me SO much grace through the people in my life that I have hurt who are now forgiving everything I have ever done to hurt them!! WHAT FREEDOM!!!

Jesus, thank you for taking me on this journey! With every person I encounter and make amends with, you show me that much more grace. Give me the courage and humility to admit when I am wrong, and to immediately go and make amends with whomever I might hurt. Thank you most of all for your forgiveness of my sins on the Cross!

Steps 6 & 7: Character Make-Over (Allowing God to delete my character defects)

Once again, I'm a bit behind on this blog. I am currently on Step 9 right now, but I don't want anyone who is following along to miss out on what God has been teaching me along the way.

**INCREDIBLE PRAYER ANSWERED** 

As of June 1st, I have been granted permission by those in spiritual authority over me to start raising support to go to Central Asia once again!!

Ok, back to the Celebrate Recovery Steps. Steps 6 & 7 flow out of one Biblical principle, so I will once again combine these two steps:

Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." (Matthew 5:6)

Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

One of the symptoms of someone who is sick is a lack of appetite. When we are not well spiritually, we often don't hunger and thirst for God and a deepening relationship with Him. I often hear other believers say that they don't like a certain church because they 'aren't getting fed there.' Interesting. According to Jesus in John 4:34, "My food is to do the will of Him Who sent me and to finish His work."  The kind of food we are to hunger and thirst for is NOT in the listening of the Word (though it absolutely has value and is completely necessary), but rather in the doing of what Jesus commands us to do. Listening to a good sermon is like having a waiter tell you what's on the menu. To "get fed" properly, we have to participate in DOING.

What's my point? How can I do what God requires (i.e.: righteousness-doing what is right according to God) or even hunger for it when I have all these defects of character in my soul?

We often get so focused on "doing" that we fail to realize God wants to change our very "being." Hence, we are not called human doings, rather human beings. This is another tough pill to swallow, because it takes being intensely honest with ourselves and allowing others to be intensely honest about us.

After confessing all the horrible things I have done and allowing another human being to know these things, I am free to start taking a real, honest look at my character. I have many defects and shortcomings, but Jesus is greater than any of them. If I am humble and teachable, I can allow Him to teach me new ways of living that are righteous instead of sinful.

Allow me to share a story:

A couple of weeks before Easter, someone asked me to get them a Cadbury Egg. I said, "No problem." Fast-forward 2 weeks right before Easter. When asked by this friend of mine if I had purchased the egg, my response was, "Egg??" I had completely forgotten to buy the egg. This, of course, made this person feel hurt and unappreciated.

Why did I forget the egg? Well, I thought it was because it was such a small thing & I tend to be a forgetful person. FALSE. The reason I forgot: I wasn't the one asking for it. I forgot because this person and their desires were not near as important as me and my desires. Selfish...not forgetful. How's that for honesty? Sucks...right.


Jesus, please teach me how to stop being selfish by being humble and more thoughtful of others. Please teach me how to remember when others ask me for something, even if it's small or insignificant to me, because it's probably important to that person. I want to love like you love. Change my heart, my thinking, and my character...fill me with your righteousness.

Steps 4 & 5: Taking out the spiritual trash (dealing with my baggage)

I've combined Steps 4 & 5 because they fall under the same principle (Reminder: There are 12 Steps but only 8 Biblical Principles that the steps flow from).

Before I begin elaborating, let me express that these two steps are at the heart of the whole process. You see, for years I have been holding on to things others have done to me, things I did to others, and worst of all, I have been blind to all my fears that have motivated most (if not all) of my sinful patterns. True spiritual examination and confession is no easy process. It is painful. I means admitting there is pain and that you can't do anything in and of yourself to stop it or stuff it any longer.

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

In the beatitudes, Jesus stated that, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matthew 5:8).

Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Notice there has to be purity of heart to see God. With all the spiritual garbage of unforgiveness, resentments, past hurts and harms, and lingering fears, it's really difficult to see God. Because of things in my past that had hurt me, I began building walls around my heart/mind to defend against any more emotional, physical, or spiritual attacks.

I began putting on masks to keeps others from knowing what was really going on just below the surface.

I learned many different pretenses...the worst one being "religious."

Steps 4 & 5 helped me to face the ugly truth about my sin, my past, and everything I had ever done. God has been using these steps to teach me how to "get real" and stop pretending. It hasn't been easy, but I'm thankful to start learning who I really am in Christ and to lean on Him to help me clean up my past and truly set me free. 

Most Christians know some or even a lot about the Truth. We love to quote Jesus' words in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Maybe you grew up in the church like me and knew this verse from an early age and have been claiming it most of your life.

What I failed to realize is that a few verses later Jesus says in verse 36: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." I thought I was free...and to a certain extent, I was free. But I had merely come TO the cross for salvation, and yet I had not gone THROUGH the cross to let go of everything to be free indeed. I was oblivious to this simple truth that Jesus will set us free, but not on my terms....only on His terms. 

I don't want to be declared free and sitting in a cage the rest of my life...no, I want to be free indeed! 

Jesus...please set me free indeed and show me how to let go of my self-defenses and entrust myself to You only to defend me. I humbly and in much brokenness surrender all my junk for the freedom only You can bring. Thank You for loving me...and being infinitely patient with me!

Step 3: It's time to make a choice (dealing with my commitment to Christ & His will for my life)

It seems I am working the steps faster than I can update them...maybe that's a good thing.

After dealing with my powerlessness over sin's power in my life, I believed that God could restore me to a healthy and sane way of life. One thing I have been learning about belief is that is MUST be accompanied by action. If it is not, then it's not true, biblical belief.

With that being said, I move on to Step 3...which says:

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

This flows out of Matthew 5:5 - "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.

In our culture meekness is often equated to weakness. If you don't believe me, check the most current dictionary. 

Dictionary.com defines meek as:

1. humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.

2. overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.

3. gentle; kind. 

4. similar to a limp noodle.

Ok, ok, that last one was mine. But really...spiritless? Overly submissive?? It does not surprise me that the world sees meekness as weakness. And it shouldn't surprise you either. After all, Jesus pretty much turned everything upside down with sayings like: 'If you want to save your life, you must lose it" and 'if'you want to be greatest in my kingdom, you must be a slave of all.' I could be wrong, but it appears that the bible paints a much different picture of meekness. 

The best definition of meekness I have heard is very simple: "Power under control." A wild elephant is a powerful creature...and placed amongst a lot of people it is a very destructive and violent creature. Take that same elephant and train it and tame it. You have the same power, but now it's under the care and control of a master and can accomplish seemingly impossible tasks.

My problem (and maybe you can relate) is that I don't like to be the one who is not in control...especially of everything around me. I have tried incessantly and tiredly to control my circumstances, my relationships, other people, my income, etc. Why has it taken me 3 decades to figure out that I can't do this and whenever I try, I wreck everything?! I'm hard headed and far worse...hard-hearted. 

It's when I finally realize the subtle and overt ways I have defied and rebelled against God, human authority, and others around me that I can see the destruction it's caused me and others. But even more importantly, I can finally see my hideous pride and all my self-defense mechanisms / walls / masks / pretenses / etc.

What am I to do now that I see this mess that is SO large that I cannot clean it up? Simple...I cry out to God. I cry out and make a decision that I will turn everything over to Him. 

"Come to me and I will give you rest - all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke - for it fits perfectly - and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens." (Matthew 11:28-30)

"I give up...save me...teach me...guide me God...I need You."

Step 2: There is hope to escape the insanity (dealing with where our faith needs to be and what He promises to do)

I'm lagging behind a little bit in my updates of the steps I am taking...specifically the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. By God's grace, it's not because I am lagging behind in taking those steps. I am currently on Step 4, but I want to share the whole experience, so I will focus here on Step 2 now and shortly I will post Step 3. As you have guessed, I will update Step 4 not too far after that.

After Step 1 I confessed that I am powerless over sin and my tendencies to do wrong and that my life had become unmanageable.

Soooooo....what does Step 2 involve?

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Of course this follows the next beatitude: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Having grown up in the church and learned about God from an early age, I always "believed" that God was the most powerful being in the known and unknown universe. Belief is a much deeper word though that I could have ever imagined (or believed...hu-yuck). Biblical belief always entails more than just mental ascent...it always involved a action. If you said you believed something and yet your actions proved otherwise, you were considered a complete fool and possibly a liar.

It's one thing to believe in God's power...it's an entirely different creature to trust His power and control. My life became unmanageable and insane because I hadn't fully surrendered to Him out of fear and lack of trust that God was fully good. I'll give you an example.

For years, I looked and sought after and pursued finding a mate...a spouse...a Godly woman in whom I could marry. Did I pray about it much? Eh...not often. I might have even sincerely told you that I trusted God to bring a Godly wife to me, but my actions said otherwise. I went on coffee date after coffee date...I met some awesome, Godly women. But God would not allow my heart to open to them so that we might "click."

I became SO frustrated with God...even angry with Him for this. Why? I didn't think He had His best in store for me...and I certainly didn't like His timing. But in all of this, by far, the hardest part was that HE NEVER PROMISED ME A WIFE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN HIS WORD OR ANYWHERE ELSE (Gasp!! Maybe you are single and reading this and thinking, "He didn't?!?!" Sorry to burst your bubble). I thought that if I acknowledged this and told God that I trusted Him with this area of my life, He would viciously say with little horns on His head, "Finally! I have you....I now pronounce you SINGLE for the rest of your miserable life!! (Insert "sinister" laugh here). So after another unsuccessful, futile dating experience I finally gave up. I cried out to God: "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I believe You really do have the best in store whether it's singleness for life or an eventual marriage. I give this up to You!"

In that moment it felt like a million bricks had been lifted off my back...    it was so...      freeing...

Why hadn't I done this sooner?! My hope had not fully been in God and I suffered from a lot of insanity in my life as a result.

I've always heard insanity was best defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I recently heard a very wise man introduce another definition for insanity:

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again knowing you'll get the same results.

Wow. So true.

"God, please help me stop the insanity in my life! Teach me, show me, grow me...bring order out of the chaos that is in my life. Help me to believe out from under the shadow of my disbelief...and help me to take the next step. I need You more than the air in my lungs or the next beat in my heart...You are my life. Amen."

Step 1: I am powerless (dealing with denial/spiritual blindness)

So as most of you know, I am working through the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. As I'm working each step, I can't help but look back and see the path God has had me on and how these next twelve steps are huge in the next step to beginning work in C. Asia. With all of that, I want to share candidly each step as I embark on this journey. I will tell you that there is nothing magical or formulaic in the 12 steps...they are merely tools. More importantly, they are based on 8 biblical principles from Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount" in Matthew 5.

Since they are principles, I'm not working each step with the hope that I'll never have to work them again. No, I'm working each step diligently with the hope that I become more skilled in these biblical principles as I embrace life dependent on God & interdependent with His Body. I recently heard that the word recovery more accurately reflects the concept of spiritual maturation.

What is the first step?


Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions (sins) & compulsive behaviors (intemperance), that our lives had become unmanageable.


What biblical principle does this reflect in the Beatitudes?

The first one: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 5:3

Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing & that my life is unmanageable.

The attitude that has given me more fits and troubles in life is the one we all wrestle with: "I can do this...I can fix this...I can handle this all by myself." We all want to be God, much like Adam & Eve. Not one human is exempt from this struggle. We all try to wretch our lives away from God much like a child wretches a new toy away from his parents and won't let them show him how to use it.

That new toy is my life...and I've misused it, neglected it, and broken it. The crazy thing is I did all of this years ago, but denial and pride has blinded me to this simple fact: I can NOT do this...I can NOT fix this...I can NOT handle this all by myself.

The veil has been lifted...the scales have fallen from my eyes...the blinders are off.

My sins may have been forgiven on the Cross, but I am where I am today and who I am today because of where I've been. God wants to change that...change me...and the paradox is that I have been changed, but I am in the process of changing. He loves me just the way I am now, but He is not content to leave me as I am today.

"God, I am weak and unworthy...please take what's left of this broken life and my broken heart and heal it...heal my relationships. Show the power of the only true gospel in this body of dust & wind. Make me new & use me...guide me, teach me, make me like your Son. Amen."

iFail

As Americans we like to think of ourselves, see ourselves, and almost will ourselves as successful people at whatever we attempt. For me it has been everything from college courses to softball games and everything in between. I have been so blinded by my own pride that I even had the audacity at one point in my life to tell a mentor of mine that I "know a lot about relationships" (I'm red with embarrassment even as I recall it).

God has seen fit to reveal to me just how much (rather, how little) I know about relationships over the last few years. It has been a humbling...NO, it has been a humiliating process for me. Now don't get me wrong, I have learned a lot along the way, but not near as much as I could have had I not been so arrogant. God has only recently brought me to the point where I can truthfully acknowledge and confess: 

"I know very little about relationships."

False intimacy is all around us. However, before I continue on that thought allow me to qualify true intimacy as simply as I can (I'm learning simplicity is the true spice of life): 

Intimacy = IN - TO - ME - YOU - SEE. 

If it is true intimacy, you see into me...you see me for who I really am. Simple, right? Easy in concept, difficult in practice.

So false intimacy is provided in anything or anyone in which the "feeling" of intimacy and closeness is mimicked but not genuinely produced. Let's take pornography as an example. For men to be intimate, it takes work, practice, process, pain, and vulnerability...which takes an attitude of humility as this is a serious weakness for most men. Pornography offers to most men ready access to sexual pleasure with a picture...an image. No work, no process, no competition...and in our sinful, fleshy minds it provides someone who we can control and access anytime we desire without the pain or process of true intimacy. 

In this sinful, fallen world true intimacy comes with a price: pain & shameful nakedness. No, I'm not talking about something sexual as in bodily nudity or exposure. What I'm talking about is the kind of emotional, mental, and spiritual nakedness that takes off all the walls, all the masks, and all the false pretenses that keep others at a distance from knowing what is really going on inside of our hearts and minds. 

We have all been hurt by one person or another throughout our lives. I don't care how wonderful your upbringing may have been, your parents, siblings, or friends have and will always let you down in one way or another...it's a guarantee. Some have even vindictively hurt us with evil intent. Because we get hurt, we use that as an excuse to find relief from the pain in everything and anyone besides God. 

I'm guilty of this...and I have been for the better part of the 30 years of my existence.

iFail. 

I have kept everyone at a 'safe' distance from knowing who I really am. I have sought out MANY brands of false intimacy throughout my life, and NONE have fulfilled me at all. However, God, being Love that He is, has pursued me and shown me over the last 5 years how to have true, intimate, vulnerable, and sometimes painful intimacy with him and with a few brothers in Christ...and now my family.

I've learned a lot, but make no mistake about it...I realize I have a LONG way to go. The amazing thing though is that though I fail time and time again, I can get back up and continue forward again by God's unending grace. 

"The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." Proverbs 24:16

Bread alone

I used to work for GNC. I sold vitamins and work-out supplements. For some reason, it seemed most people shopping there thought I was a nutrionist or dietitian and based on some of the disclosure I received, I think some people thought I was a doctor (I never knew about menopause, prenatal vitamins, or hysterectomies was until I started working there...thank you to all the +50 year old women who shop at GNC). Obviously, I am none of these.

However, I learned a lot about diets, supplements, vitamins, and how the body reacts to many of the things we put into it. One of the interesting tid-bits I learned was that if you eat 4-6 small meals (on a balanced diet including veggies, fruits, complex carbohydrates, good fats (GASP!...they do exist) and proteins) in a given day, it increases your metabolism which increases your energy levels, awareness, and brain function. I once told this to a truck driver who was about 35 lbs. overweight and had no time to work out. After taking my advice on what a proper diet is (no more Ho-Hos or Philly Cheese Sandwiches from the truck stops), 6 weeks later he came back and I couldn't recognize him...he was SO skinny!

Did you know that the average American consumes just under 4,000 calories a day? It's no wonder that in 2009 around 26.7% of Americans were overweight and in 2008, 16.9% of our children were obese...and all indications are the numbers are escalating. (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm59e0803a1.htm?s_cid=mm59e0803a1_e%0D%0A)
(http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/obesity_child_07_08/obesity_child_07_08.htm)

Why am I mentioning all of this? I believe the escalation in the obesity rate of our society is pointing to something far more sinister than our lack of discipline in diets and excercise.

Not to toot my own horn, but I used to be pretty disciplined in fasting. Now don't get me wrong...I don't think fasting is the key to reducing the obesity rate of America, but please...bear with me. In the last 2 years, I have gotten away from fasting as a spiritual discipline altogether and it's been more to my detriment than anything. Through encouragement from others in the Body, and the Holy Spirit's leading, I am re-instating this discipline in my spiritual journey once again.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is Jesus' response to the tempation by Satan after fasting for 40 days (one day of fasting for me and it feels like my stomach is trying to eat my liver and kidneys). Jesus' reply to the temptation of trying to feed himself is amazing: "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matt. 4:4) Jesus quoted Deuteronomy 8:3. Here's what is in the context of that passage:

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Isn't that crazy? God 'caused them to hunger' so that HE could feed them and teach them to depend on HIM alone! What if God did that with the American church? What if you didn't know where your next meal was coming from or how you would be able to feed your family? With our ever-increasing love of food, wouldn't we be even quicker than the Hebrews to complain and rebel? How dependent are we on God alone? I believe our waistlines testify that we don't really rely on Him as much as we say/think we do.

Food is just one example of thousands of ways in which I attempt to be dependent on myself instead of God. It's amazing how incapable I am of loving God and others when I have that gnawing pain of hunger in my gut. It's in these times in which I am slowly (and often times painfully) learning that I don't really live on bread alone, but on God and His commands...His words...His truth.

From discomfort to discouragement in 3.2 seconds

Comfort zones. We love them. We will fight for them and protect them at almost any cost. I have been pondering this for some time now. I think of them as layers and layers of padding we put up around us to protect ourselves from...well, from discomfort. What do they look like? Well, it varies but here are some examples: eating excessively, working excessively, trying to never be alone, video games, pornagraphy, drugs, alcohol-abuse, working out excessively, reading excessively, seeking another relationship with the opposite sex, buying stuff you don't need, etc. The list obviously goes on and on.

God is constantly trying to break us out of these so-called comfort zones. Why? Is it because He pleasures in seeing us writhe in agony as we try to crawl back into our self-made, pain-preventing layers like a worm trying to wiggle back into the soft, moist soil? I don't think so. I am learnig that God hates our comfort zones because of where they come from: the sinful human heart.

Pain. We hate it. We do almost anything within our natural resources to prevent, avoid, and treat the pain we experience in life. The strange thing is that pain is truly unavoidable in this world. We ALL will experience pain, whether emotionally, physcially, mentally, relationally, and spiritually. No matter how good your upbringing may have been, we all have experienced pain on one level or another, whether past or present. If you don't believe this, then you're in the La-La Land of Denial. In the words of one of my mentors: "Get real dude."

Because we are naturally selfish creatures, we try to protect ourselves. So, instead of humbling ourselves and trusting God to protect and heal us, we grow self-focused and seek everything under the sun to take care of our hurts. ALL of us are guilty of this. You know how I know this? As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one" (Romans 3:10-12).

One of the interesting things I recently learned about myself is that when I encounter discomfort of any kind, I will do one of 2 things: I will either try to immediately self-medicate or I'll try to figure out why I'm uncomfortable and when I can't figure out why, I will become discouraged in the drop of a hat....and then I'll try to self-medicate to deal with the pain of the discouragement. "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless" (Eccl. 1:2).

I claim to walk with God & yet I have done this for years. Why do I do this? Why can't I learn to just trust Him?? I know I keep coming back to this, but I'm learning that I haven't really believed the words of Jesus when He said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4). He's changed my heart about this...this promise is true...and I know it because I've experienced it. As I have let the pain of my sin, my hurts, and my past flood to the surface of my heart, He has comforted me, as a loving parent comforts their crying child.

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land" (Psalm 37:7-9).

Messy rooms & dark hearts...

I'm realizing more and more that the world in which we surround ourselves with gives indication as to where our hearts and minds lie. After working at KAM last year, some of the guys would leave their blinds closed and the lights off. Often they would try to close their doors and leave their rooms messy. Most of us would probably just look at that and think they are undisciplined. True...almost every single one of them was undisciplined in some way or another, but aren't we all?

That's not the point. The point is that these things I noticed gave indication that their hearts and minds were in darkened and troubled states. "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools" (Romans 1:21-22). They wanted to be isolated and in the dark...because of their shame, their guilt, and their fears. I, too, am just as guilty of these things.

I was reading in Genesis 1 a couple of months ago and immediately became convicted about the lack of tidiness in my own room. In the beginning, God brings order and light to chaos and darkness. Why was my own room dark & chaotic? Because I have recently divulged all the darkest, ugliest sins of my past & present. Confession is amazing, but it doesn't clean up the mess...it merely sheds light on it. I opened my blinds. Now that I could see, the real work began. I cleaned & organized my room.

Simple problem, simple solution.

How can I expect God to help me clean up the mess in my heart & mind while I'm unwilling to make the simple changes to keep what is in my control in order (room cleanliness, car maintenance, finances, etc.)? If He can't trust me with the small things, how can I expect Him to trust me with the large things?

I believe it was Gene Getz who once said, "Show me a man who is committing adultery, and I'll show you a man who is dishonest in every area of his life." See the connection?

All this to say that I believe there is truly a direct correlation between the physical world and the spiritual world. If I look & find chaos, darkness, and disorder in any area of my life in the physical realm, I can be assured I haven't surrendered an area (or many areas) of my heart to God in the spiritual realm. As a dear brother once said, "Where you find the Spirit of God hovering, you'll see some amazing things about to happen..."

The inner journey MUST precede the outward journey

So...it's been a while since I last left an update this way. I am going to start writing my updates via this blog and will add the link to all email updates from here on out. 

NOTE: If you want to follow along, look to your left on my page and click the button that says "Posts" right under the heading "Subscribe To." If you use Google or Yahoo as your homepage, it will show any blog updates there. 

I'm doing very well...though sometimes I wonder why my timing is alway so very different than God's. It seems He has NO problem making things take a bit longer than I (and many others) would ever want or expect. It's amazing all the areas of life we believe we have control or power over...but I'm starting to see more and more that in human terms, power and control...and comfort, outside of God, are illusions. 

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes in The Message. I know, I know...I'm now officially a flaming liberal because I read The Message, but I'm telling you, it is SO powerful the way Eugene Peterson writes the proverbs of Solomon in current-day English...I highly encourage you to check it out. I digress...

Solomon calls everything under the sun "smoke." It's vanity, useless...SMOKE. Of course, he's referring to everything under the sun apart from God. In Proverbs 3:5-7, Solomon writes:

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; 
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; 
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all. 
   Run to God! Run from evil!"

I'm trusting God on this one. I am tired of trying to figure out everything...I don't know when I will leave. I don't know how I'll leave. I don't know what it will really be like day in and day out living in Central Asia. There are a billion things I don't know...but I know the One who does. This alone gives me comfort. He alone gives me self-control.

All this to say, I am patiently and diligently seeking Him as He leads me on the journey to the center of my dark, sinful, ugly heart. This 'inner' journey is the prerequisite for me to leave. No 'out-bound' journeys for now...at least, not yet. I'm prepared and longing to unload all the baggage of my past wounds, habits, hang-ups and hurts on the Cross. I heard a man once say we often go to Calvary for salvation, but rarely do we go through Calvary for healing. 

I just wrote a dear friend these words about some self-revelation that He has shown me:

"I have been spiritually blind for most of my life. I thought I could see, but I have been blinded on some level. You see, I have studied the Word for years...I have been a believer since I was 7. However, I hadn't let the light of Jesus enter to every area of my life. I have been a Pharisee. The Pharisees could see with their eyes and 'thought' they could see with spiritual eyes. 

It's amazing how people who had been blind their whole lives could "see" Jesus the moment He was in their presence and yet the Pharisees couldn't. Who was really blind?

I finally see now...He has healed my spiritual eyes and has answered my prayer from Ephesians 1:18 that the 'eyes of my heart may be enlightened(...).' Last year, He cracked the foundation to all my walls: Pride. Then He started pushing over all my walls and alas, there they were: Know-It-All Attitude, Quick-to-talk-slow-to-listen, Rebellious to Authority, Disrespect towards women, Un-trusting of leaders and women, addiction to Video Games, False Intimacy. I'll stop there, but there's a huge mess now....a beautiful, huge mess that only He can clean up. 

I'm broken for the first time in my life...fully, and truly broken. I heard a quote once that says, "Brokenness always precedes faith." I never fully understood that quote until now. This season of my life is this: I, the prodigal, have finally come home...my shame exposed for all to see, and the Father running to cover protect me from condemnation & lovingly accept me as His son...ready to receive His cleansing of my sin, my shame, & my death. My deepest, darkest sins and secrets now lie exposed. I'm naked...and yet He still accepts me and calls me His own. 

For the first time, I have realized that in my heart, I am really no better than Hitler, Stalin, or Mussolini. I am just as wicked and depraved and fallen. It's only by God's grace that I haven't outwardly committed genocide."

Ok, I'll stop there...this is getting too long and most of you won't get far enough to read this line. 

Thank you for everything....your prayers, your support, your encouragements, your exhortations...I cannot survive nor thrive without them...you are blessed and blessing me and others in incredible ways!