iFail

As Americans we like to think of ourselves, see ourselves, and almost will ourselves as successful people at whatever we attempt. For me it has been everything from college courses to softball games and everything in between. I have been so blinded by my own pride that I even had the audacity at one point in my life to tell a mentor of mine that I "know a lot about relationships" (I'm red with embarrassment even as I recall it).

God has seen fit to reveal to me just how much (rather, how little) I know about relationships over the last few years. It has been a humbling...NO, it has been a humiliating process for me. Now don't get me wrong, I have learned a lot along the way, but not near as much as I could have had I not been so arrogant. God has only recently brought me to the point where I can truthfully acknowledge and confess: 

"I know very little about relationships."

False intimacy is all around us. However, before I continue on that thought allow me to qualify true intimacy as simply as I can (I'm learning simplicity is the true spice of life): 

Intimacy = IN - TO - ME - YOU - SEE. 

If it is true intimacy, you see into me...you see me for who I really am. Simple, right? Easy in concept, difficult in practice.

So false intimacy is provided in anything or anyone in which the "feeling" of intimacy and closeness is mimicked but not genuinely produced. Let's take pornography as an example. For men to be intimate, it takes work, practice, process, pain, and vulnerability...which takes an attitude of humility as this is a serious weakness for most men. Pornography offers to most men ready access to sexual pleasure with a picture...an image. No work, no process, no competition...and in our sinful, fleshy minds it provides someone who we can control and access anytime we desire without the pain or process of true intimacy. 

In this sinful, fallen world true intimacy comes with a price: pain & shameful nakedness. No, I'm not talking about something sexual as in bodily nudity or exposure. What I'm talking about is the kind of emotional, mental, and spiritual nakedness that takes off all the walls, all the masks, and all the false pretenses that keep others at a distance from knowing what is really going on inside of our hearts and minds. 

We have all been hurt by one person or another throughout our lives. I don't care how wonderful your upbringing may have been, your parents, siblings, or friends have and will always let you down in one way or another...it's a guarantee. Some have even vindictively hurt us with evil intent. Because we get hurt, we use that as an excuse to find relief from the pain in everything and anyone besides God. 

I'm guilty of this...and I have been for the better part of the 30 years of my existence.

iFail. 

I have kept everyone at a 'safe' distance from knowing who I really am. I have sought out MANY brands of false intimacy throughout my life, and NONE have fulfilled me at all. However, God, being Love that He is, has pursued me and shown me over the last 5 years how to have true, intimate, vulnerable, and sometimes painful intimacy with him and with a few brothers in Christ...and now my family.

I've learned a lot, but make no mistake about it...I realize I have a LONG way to go. The amazing thing though is that though I fail time and time again, I can get back up and continue forward again by God's unending grace. 

"The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." Proverbs 24:16

Bread alone

I used to work for GNC. I sold vitamins and work-out supplements. For some reason, it seemed most people shopping there thought I was a nutrionist or dietitian and based on some of the disclosure I received, I think some people thought I was a doctor (I never knew about menopause, prenatal vitamins, or hysterectomies was until I started working there...thank you to all the +50 year old women who shop at GNC). Obviously, I am none of these.

However, I learned a lot about diets, supplements, vitamins, and how the body reacts to many of the things we put into it. One of the interesting tid-bits I learned was that if you eat 4-6 small meals (on a balanced diet including veggies, fruits, complex carbohydrates, good fats (GASP!...they do exist) and proteins) in a given day, it increases your metabolism which increases your energy levels, awareness, and brain function. I once told this to a truck driver who was about 35 lbs. overweight and had no time to work out. After taking my advice on what a proper diet is (no more Ho-Hos or Philly Cheese Sandwiches from the truck stops), 6 weeks later he came back and I couldn't recognize him...he was SO skinny!

Did you know that the average American consumes just under 4,000 calories a day? It's no wonder that in 2009 around 26.7% of Americans were overweight and in 2008, 16.9% of our children were obese...and all indications are the numbers are escalating. (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm59e0803a1.htm?s_cid=mm59e0803a1_e%0D%0A)
(http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/obesity_child_07_08/obesity_child_07_08.htm)

Why am I mentioning all of this? I believe the escalation in the obesity rate of our society is pointing to something far more sinister than our lack of discipline in diets and excercise.

Not to toot my own horn, but I used to be pretty disciplined in fasting. Now don't get me wrong...I don't think fasting is the key to reducing the obesity rate of America, but please...bear with me. In the last 2 years, I have gotten away from fasting as a spiritual discipline altogether and it's been more to my detriment than anything. Through encouragement from others in the Body, and the Holy Spirit's leading, I am re-instating this discipline in my spiritual journey once again.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is Jesus' response to the tempation by Satan after fasting for 40 days (one day of fasting for me and it feels like my stomach is trying to eat my liver and kidneys). Jesus' reply to the temptation of trying to feed himself is amazing: "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matt. 4:4) Jesus quoted Deuteronomy 8:3. Here's what is in the context of that passage:

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Isn't that crazy? God 'caused them to hunger' so that HE could feed them and teach them to depend on HIM alone! What if God did that with the American church? What if you didn't know where your next meal was coming from or how you would be able to feed your family? With our ever-increasing love of food, wouldn't we be even quicker than the Hebrews to complain and rebel? How dependent are we on God alone? I believe our waistlines testify that we don't really rely on Him as much as we say/think we do.

Food is just one example of thousands of ways in which I attempt to be dependent on myself instead of God. It's amazing how incapable I am of loving God and others when I have that gnawing pain of hunger in my gut. It's in these times in which I am slowly (and often times painfully) learning that I don't really live on bread alone, but on God and His commands...His words...His truth.

From discomfort to discouragement in 3.2 seconds

Comfort zones. We love them. We will fight for them and protect them at almost any cost. I have been pondering this for some time now. I think of them as layers and layers of padding we put up around us to protect ourselves from...well, from discomfort. What do they look like? Well, it varies but here are some examples: eating excessively, working excessively, trying to never be alone, video games, pornagraphy, drugs, alcohol-abuse, working out excessively, reading excessively, seeking another relationship with the opposite sex, buying stuff you don't need, etc. The list obviously goes on and on.

God is constantly trying to break us out of these so-called comfort zones. Why? Is it because He pleasures in seeing us writhe in agony as we try to crawl back into our self-made, pain-preventing layers like a worm trying to wiggle back into the soft, moist soil? I don't think so. I am learnig that God hates our comfort zones because of where they come from: the sinful human heart.

Pain. We hate it. We do almost anything within our natural resources to prevent, avoid, and treat the pain we experience in life. The strange thing is that pain is truly unavoidable in this world. We ALL will experience pain, whether emotionally, physcially, mentally, relationally, and spiritually. No matter how good your upbringing may have been, we all have experienced pain on one level or another, whether past or present. If you don't believe this, then you're in the La-La Land of Denial. In the words of one of my mentors: "Get real dude."

Because we are naturally selfish creatures, we try to protect ourselves. So, instead of humbling ourselves and trusting God to protect and heal us, we grow self-focused and seek everything under the sun to take care of our hurts. ALL of us are guilty of this. You know how I know this? As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one" (Romans 3:10-12).

One of the interesting things I recently learned about myself is that when I encounter discomfort of any kind, I will do one of 2 things: I will either try to immediately self-medicate or I'll try to figure out why I'm uncomfortable and when I can't figure out why, I will become discouraged in the drop of a hat....and then I'll try to self-medicate to deal with the pain of the discouragement. "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless" (Eccl. 1:2).

I claim to walk with God & yet I have done this for years. Why do I do this? Why can't I learn to just trust Him?? I know I keep coming back to this, but I'm learning that I haven't really believed the words of Jesus when He said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4). He's changed my heart about this...this promise is true...and I know it because I've experienced it. As I have let the pain of my sin, my hurts, and my past flood to the surface of my heart, He has comforted me, as a loving parent comforts their crying child.

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land" (Psalm 37:7-9).

Messy rooms & dark hearts...

I'm realizing more and more that the world in which we surround ourselves with gives indication as to where our hearts and minds lie. After working at KAM last year, some of the guys would leave their blinds closed and the lights off. Often they would try to close their doors and leave their rooms messy. Most of us would probably just look at that and think they are undisciplined. True...almost every single one of them was undisciplined in some way or another, but aren't we all?

That's not the point. The point is that these things I noticed gave indication that their hearts and minds were in darkened and troubled states. "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools" (Romans 1:21-22). They wanted to be isolated and in the dark...because of their shame, their guilt, and their fears. I, too, am just as guilty of these things.

I was reading in Genesis 1 a couple of months ago and immediately became convicted about the lack of tidiness in my own room. In the beginning, God brings order and light to chaos and darkness. Why was my own room dark & chaotic? Because I have recently divulged all the darkest, ugliest sins of my past & present. Confession is amazing, but it doesn't clean up the mess...it merely sheds light on it. I opened my blinds. Now that I could see, the real work began. I cleaned & organized my room.

Simple problem, simple solution.

How can I expect God to help me clean up the mess in my heart & mind while I'm unwilling to make the simple changes to keep what is in my control in order (room cleanliness, car maintenance, finances, etc.)? If He can't trust me with the small things, how can I expect Him to trust me with the large things?

I believe it was Gene Getz who once said, "Show me a man who is committing adultery, and I'll show you a man who is dishonest in every area of his life." See the connection?

All this to say that I believe there is truly a direct correlation between the physical world and the spiritual world. If I look & find chaos, darkness, and disorder in any area of my life in the physical realm, I can be assured I haven't surrendered an area (or many areas) of my heart to God in the spiritual realm. As a dear brother once said, "Where you find the Spirit of God hovering, you'll see some amazing things about to happen..."

The inner journey MUST precede the outward journey

So...it's been a while since I last left an update this way. I am going to start writing my updates via this blog and will add the link to all email updates from here on out. 

NOTE: If you want to follow along, look to your left on my page and click the button that says "Posts" right under the heading "Subscribe To." If you use Google or Yahoo as your homepage, it will show any blog updates there. 

I'm doing very well...though sometimes I wonder why my timing is alway so very different than God's. It seems He has NO problem making things take a bit longer than I (and many others) would ever want or expect. It's amazing all the areas of life we believe we have control or power over...but I'm starting to see more and more that in human terms, power and control...and comfort, outside of God, are illusions. 

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes in The Message. I know, I know...I'm now officially a flaming liberal because I read The Message, but I'm telling you, it is SO powerful the way Eugene Peterson writes the proverbs of Solomon in current-day English...I highly encourage you to check it out. I digress...

Solomon calls everything under the sun "smoke." It's vanity, useless...SMOKE. Of course, he's referring to everything under the sun apart from God. In Proverbs 3:5-7, Solomon writes:

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; 
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; 
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all. 
   Run to God! Run from evil!"

I'm trusting God on this one. I am tired of trying to figure out everything...I don't know when I will leave. I don't know how I'll leave. I don't know what it will really be like day in and day out living in Central Asia. There are a billion things I don't know...but I know the One who does. This alone gives me comfort. He alone gives me self-control.

All this to say, I am patiently and diligently seeking Him as He leads me on the journey to the center of my dark, sinful, ugly heart. This 'inner' journey is the prerequisite for me to leave. No 'out-bound' journeys for now...at least, not yet. I'm prepared and longing to unload all the baggage of my past wounds, habits, hang-ups and hurts on the Cross. I heard a man once say we often go to Calvary for salvation, but rarely do we go through Calvary for healing. 

I just wrote a dear friend these words about some self-revelation that He has shown me:

"I have been spiritually blind for most of my life. I thought I could see, but I have been blinded on some level. You see, I have studied the Word for years...I have been a believer since I was 7. However, I hadn't let the light of Jesus enter to every area of my life. I have been a Pharisee. The Pharisees could see with their eyes and 'thought' they could see with spiritual eyes. 

It's amazing how people who had been blind their whole lives could "see" Jesus the moment He was in their presence and yet the Pharisees couldn't. Who was really blind?

I finally see now...He has healed my spiritual eyes and has answered my prayer from Ephesians 1:18 that the 'eyes of my heart may be enlightened(...).' Last year, He cracked the foundation to all my walls: Pride. Then He started pushing over all my walls and alas, there they were: Know-It-All Attitude, Quick-to-talk-slow-to-listen, Rebellious to Authority, Disrespect towards women, Un-trusting of leaders and women, addiction to Video Games, False Intimacy. I'll stop there, but there's a huge mess now....a beautiful, huge mess that only He can clean up. 

I'm broken for the first time in my life...fully, and truly broken. I heard a quote once that says, "Brokenness always precedes faith." I never fully understood that quote until now. This season of my life is this: I, the prodigal, have finally come home...my shame exposed for all to see, and the Father running to cover protect me from condemnation & lovingly accept me as His son...ready to receive His cleansing of my sin, my shame, & my death. My deepest, darkest sins and secrets now lie exposed. I'm naked...and yet He still accepts me and calls me His own. 

For the first time, I have realized that in my heart, I am really no better than Hitler, Stalin, or Mussolini. I am just as wicked and depraved and fallen. It's only by God's grace that I haven't outwardly committed genocide."

Ok, I'll stop there...this is getting too long and most of you won't get far enough to read this line. 

Thank you for everything....your prayers, your support, your encouragements, your exhortations...I cannot survive nor thrive without them...you are blessed and blessing me and others in incredible ways!

Should I stay here or do I need to move...

If you don't know what I have been up to these last 18 months or so, I apologize. I just spent the year of 2009 living in and working at a Residency Discipleship program called Kingdom Authority Ministries. I moved out December 16th to pursue what Father has been wanting me to pursue...a M-trip to Central Asia...where I spent 5 weeks during the summer of 2008.

I am now in the support-raising process, and if I'm completely honest, I haven't a clue what I am doing. All I know is that He has been preparing me for this, especially with my recent experience at KA Ministries. I probably wouldn't even admit that this time last year, because of my pride.

You see, God has to break us before He can use us. I recently spoke at the annual KA Ministries Banquet a week and a half ago, and here was a snip-it of what I shared:

"I read a story of some women who were having a Bible study in Malachi. They came to this verse in Malachi 3:3 that says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.' This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'"

This was what God was doing to me all last year...putting me in the furnace of his refining fires...it was painful, and I was uncomfortable, but it was needed until I would eventually break and allow God to humble me. I am now in, once again, uncomfortable, unfamiliar territory as I pursue this M-trip.

I was at an all-time low last week...and then a sweet, dear friend reminded me that this trip was not about me, or my abilities, or my knowledge, but rather it was all about God. How often I forget that this is ALL about Him!

So I prayed the next morning that God would show me...give me some sort of revelation that I indeed need to continue pursuing this mission. Not more than an hour later, I received a phone call from my missions pastor asking me to teach his class on Sunday and share my story. I was driving to the Bunkhouse to spend time with the guys there and I started crying as I heard this....what a FAST and obvious answer to prayer!

Later that day, I was getting ready to take the guys to that Third Day/Newsboys/Newsong concert at American Airlines Center, but before I left, I had enough time to check my email...and that's when I saw a substantial financia gift had been donated by some married friends of mine...again, I started crying right then and there...another obvious revelation from God that I am indeed going in the right direction.

While I am at the concert with the guys and our College Group leader and his wife, the wife tells me that she would love to cook a dinner and host some folks that I could share my mission trip with. I was too tired to cry, but my heart broke in half...how could I have doubted God?!

Like I mentioned, we were able to hear Third Day at the concert. Many of you might recognize this blog entry title from the chorus of a song by Third Day titled "Revelation." This song spoke straight to my heart that night...Here is the whole chorus:

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
‘Cause I’ve been trying to find my way
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without you

THIS WAS MY PRAYER!! God is SO faithful, even when I am faithless.