I'm lagging behind a little bit in my updates of the steps I am taking...specifically the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. By God's grace, it's not because I am lagging behind in taking those steps. I am currently on Step 4, but I want to share the whole experience, so I will focus here on Step 2 now and shortly I will post Step 3. As you have guessed, I will update Step 4 not too far after that.
After Step 1 I confessed that I am powerless over sin and my tendencies to do wrong and that my life had become unmanageable.
Soooooo....what does Step 2 involve?
Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Of course this follows the next beatitude: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
Having grown up in the church and learned about God from an early age, I always "believed" that God was the most powerful being in the known and unknown universe. Belief is a much deeper word though that I could have ever imagined (or believed...hu-yuck). Biblical belief always entails more than just mental ascent...it always involved a action. If you said you believed something and yet your actions proved otherwise, you were considered a complete fool and possibly a liar.
It's one thing to believe in God's power...it's an entirely different creature to trust His power and control. My life became unmanageable and insane because I hadn't fully surrendered to Him out of fear and lack of trust that God was fully good. I'll give you an example.
For years, I looked and sought after and pursued finding a mate...a spouse...a Godly woman in whom I could marry. Did I pray about it much? Eh...not often. I might have even sincerely told you that I trusted God to bring a Godly wife to me, but my actions said otherwise. I went on coffee date after coffee date...I met some awesome, Godly women. But God would not allow my heart to open to them so that we might "click."
I became SO frustrated with God...even angry with Him for this. Why? I didn't think He had His best in store for me...and I certainly didn't like His timing. But in all of this, by far, the hardest part was that HE NEVER PROMISED ME A WIFE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN HIS WORD OR ANYWHERE ELSE (Gasp!! Maybe you are single and reading this and thinking, "He didn't?!?!" Sorry to burst your bubble). I thought that if I acknowledged this and told God that I trusted Him with this area of my life, He would viciously say with little horns on His head, "Finally! I have you....I now pronounce you SINGLE for the rest of your miserable life!! (Insert "sinister" laugh here). So after another unsuccessful, futile dating experience I finally gave up. I cried out to God: "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I believe You really do have the best in store whether it's singleness for life or an eventual marriage. I give this up to You!"
In that moment it felt like a million bricks had been lifted off my back... it was so... freeing...
Why hadn't I done this sooner?! My hope had not fully been in God and I suffered from a lot of insanity in my life as a result.
I've always heard insanity was best defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I recently heard a very wise man introduce another definition for insanity:
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again knowing you'll get the same results.
Wow. So true.
"God, please help me stop the insanity in my life! Teach me, show me, grow me...bring order out of the chaos that is in my life. Help me to believe out from under the shadow of my disbelief...and help me to take the next step. I need You more than the air in my lungs or the next beat in my heart...You are my life. Amen."
