Steps 4 & 5: Taking out the spiritual trash (dealing with my baggage)

I've combined Steps 4 & 5 because they fall under the same principle (Reminder: There are 12 Steps but only 8 Biblical Principles that the steps flow from).

Before I begin elaborating, let me express that these two steps are at the heart of the whole process. You see, for years I have been holding on to things others have done to me, things I did to others, and worst of all, I have been blind to all my fears that have motivated most (if not all) of my sinful patterns. True spiritual examination and confession is no easy process. It is painful. I means admitting there is pain and that you can't do anything in and of yourself to stop it or stuff it any longer.

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

In the beatitudes, Jesus stated that, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matthew 5:8).

Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Notice there has to be purity of heart to see God. With all the spiritual garbage of unforgiveness, resentments, past hurts and harms, and lingering fears, it's really difficult to see God. Because of things in my past that had hurt me, I began building walls around my heart/mind to defend against any more emotional, physical, or spiritual attacks.

I began putting on masks to keeps others from knowing what was really going on just below the surface.

I learned many different pretenses...the worst one being "religious."

Steps 4 & 5 helped me to face the ugly truth about my sin, my past, and everything I had ever done. God has been using these steps to teach me how to "get real" and stop pretending. It hasn't been easy, but I'm thankful to start learning who I really am in Christ and to lean on Him to help me clean up my past and truly set me free. 

Most Christians know some or even a lot about the Truth. We love to quote Jesus' words in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Maybe you grew up in the church like me and knew this verse from an early age and have been claiming it most of your life.

What I failed to realize is that a few verses later Jesus says in verse 36: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." I thought I was free...and to a certain extent, I was free. But I had merely come TO the cross for salvation, and yet I had not gone THROUGH the cross to let go of everything to be free indeed. I was oblivious to this simple truth that Jesus will set us free, but not on my terms....only on His terms. 

I don't want to be declared free and sitting in a cage the rest of my life...no, I want to be free indeed! 

Jesus...please set me free indeed and show me how to let go of my self-defenses and entrust myself to You only to defend me. I humbly and in much brokenness surrender all my junk for the freedom only You can bring. Thank You for loving me...and being infinitely patient with me!

Step 3: It's time to make a choice (dealing with my commitment to Christ & His will for my life)

It seems I am working the steps faster than I can update them...maybe that's a good thing.

After dealing with my powerlessness over sin's power in my life, I believed that God could restore me to a healthy and sane way of life. One thing I have been learning about belief is that is MUST be accompanied by action. If it is not, then it's not true, biblical belief.

With that being said, I move on to Step 3...which says:

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

This flows out of Matthew 5:5 - "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.

In our culture meekness is often equated to weakness. If you don't believe me, check the most current dictionary. 

Dictionary.com defines meek as:

1. humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.

2. overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.

3. gentle; kind. 

4. similar to a limp noodle.

Ok, ok, that last one was mine. But really...spiritless? Overly submissive?? It does not surprise me that the world sees meekness as weakness. And it shouldn't surprise you either. After all, Jesus pretty much turned everything upside down with sayings like: 'If you want to save your life, you must lose it" and 'if'you want to be greatest in my kingdom, you must be a slave of all.' I could be wrong, but it appears that the bible paints a much different picture of meekness. 

The best definition of meekness I have heard is very simple: "Power under control." A wild elephant is a powerful creature...and placed amongst a lot of people it is a very destructive and violent creature. Take that same elephant and train it and tame it. You have the same power, but now it's under the care and control of a master and can accomplish seemingly impossible tasks.

My problem (and maybe you can relate) is that I don't like to be the one who is not in control...especially of everything around me. I have tried incessantly and tiredly to control my circumstances, my relationships, other people, my income, etc. Why has it taken me 3 decades to figure out that I can't do this and whenever I try, I wreck everything?! I'm hard headed and far worse...hard-hearted. 

It's when I finally realize the subtle and overt ways I have defied and rebelled against God, human authority, and others around me that I can see the destruction it's caused me and others. But even more importantly, I can finally see my hideous pride and all my self-defense mechanisms / walls / masks / pretenses / etc.

What am I to do now that I see this mess that is SO large that I cannot clean it up? Simple...I cry out to God. I cry out and make a decision that I will turn everything over to Him. 

"Come to me and I will give you rest - all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke - for it fits perfectly - and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens." (Matthew 11:28-30)

"I give up...save me...teach me...guide me God...I need You."

Step 2: There is hope to escape the insanity (dealing with where our faith needs to be and what He promises to do)

I'm lagging behind a little bit in my updates of the steps I am taking...specifically the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. By God's grace, it's not because I am lagging behind in taking those steps. I am currently on Step 4, but I want to share the whole experience, so I will focus here on Step 2 now and shortly I will post Step 3. As you have guessed, I will update Step 4 not too far after that.

After Step 1 I confessed that I am powerless over sin and my tendencies to do wrong and that my life had become unmanageable.

Soooooo....what does Step 2 involve?

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Of course this follows the next beatitude: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Having grown up in the church and learned about God from an early age, I always "believed" that God was the most powerful being in the known and unknown universe. Belief is a much deeper word though that I could have ever imagined (or believed...hu-yuck). Biblical belief always entails more than just mental ascent...it always involved a action. If you said you believed something and yet your actions proved otherwise, you were considered a complete fool and possibly a liar.

It's one thing to believe in God's power...it's an entirely different creature to trust His power and control. My life became unmanageable and insane because I hadn't fully surrendered to Him out of fear and lack of trust that God was fully good. I'll give you an example.

For years, I looked and sought after and pursued finding a mate...a spouse...a Godly woman in whom I could marry. Did I pray about it much? Eh...not often. I might have even sincerely told you that I trusted God to bring a Godly wife to me, but my actions said otherwise. I went on coffee date after coffee date...I met some awesome, Godly women. But God would not allow my heart to open to them so that we might "click."

I became SO frustrated with God...even angry with Him for this. Why? I didn't think He had His best in store for me...and I certainly didn't like His timing. But in all of this, by far, the hardest part was that HE NEVER PROMISED ME A WIFE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN HIS WORD OR ANYWHERE ELSE (Gasp!! Maybe you are single and reading this and thinking, "He didn't?!?!" Sorry to burst your bubble). I thought that if I acknowledged this and told God that I trusted Him with this area of my life, He would viciously say with little horns on His head, "Finally! I have you....I now pronounce you SINGLE for the rest of your miserable life!! (Insert "sinister" laugh here). So after another unsuccessful, futile dating experience I finally gave up. I cried out to God: "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I believe You really do have the best in store whether it's singleness for life or an eventual marriage. I give this up to You!"

In that moment it felt like a million bricks had been lifted off my back...    it was so...      freeing...

Why hadn't I done this sooner?! My hope had not fully been in God and I suffered from a lot of insanity in my life as a result.

I've always heard insanity was best defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I recently heard a very wise man introduce another definition for insanity:

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again knowing you'll get the same results.

Wow. So true.

"God, please help me stop the insanity in my life! Teach me, show me, grow me...bring order out of the chaos that is in my life. Help me to believe out from under the shadow of my disbelief...and help me to take the next step. I need You more than the air in my lungs or the next beat in my heart...You are my life. Amen."

Step 1: I am powerless (dealing with denial/spiritual blindness)

So as most of you know, I am working through the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. As I'm working each step, I can't help but look back and see the path God has had me on and how these next twelve steps are huge in the next step to beginning work in C. Asia. With all of that, I want to share candidly each step as I embark on this journey. I will tell you that there is nothing magical or formulaic in the 12 steps...they are merely tools. More importantly, they are based on 8 biblical principles from Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount" in Matthew 5.

Since they are principles, I'm not working each step with the hope that I'll never have to work them again. No, I'm working each step diligently with the hope that I become more skilled in these biblical principles as I embrace life dependent on God & interdependent with His Body. I recently heard that the word recovery more accurately reflects the concept of spiritual maturation.

What is the first step?


Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions (sins) & compulsive behaviors (intemperance), that our lives had become unmanageable.


What biblical principle does this reflect in the Beatitudes?

The first one: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 5:3

Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing & that my life is unmanageable.

The attitude that has given me more fits and troubles in life is the one we all wrestle with: "I can do this...I can fix this...I can handle this all by myself." We all want to be God, much like Adam & Eve. Not one human is exempt from this struggle. We all try to wretch our lives away from God much like a child wretches a new toy away from his parents and won't let them show him how to use it.

That new toy is my life...and I've misused it, neglected it, and broken it. The crazy thing is I did all of this years ago, but denial and pride has blinded me to this simple fact: I can NOT do this...I can NOT fix this...I can NOT handle this all by myself.

The veil has been lifted...the scales have fallen from my eyes...the blinders are off.

My sins may have been forgiven on the Cross, but I am where I am today and who I am today because of where I've been. God wants to change that...change me...and the paradox is that I have been changed, but I am in the process of changing. He loves me just the way I am now, but He is not content to leave me as I am today.

"God, I am weak and unworthy...please take what's left of this broken life and my broken heart and heal it...heal my relationships. Show the power of the only true gospel in this body of dust & wind. Make me new & use me...guide me, teach me, make me like your Son. Amen."

iFail

As Americans we like to think of ourselves, see ourselves, and almost will ourselves as successful people at whatever we attempt. For me it has been everything from college courses to softball games and everything in between. I have been so blinded by my own pride that I even had the audacity at one point in my life to tell a mentor of mine that I "know a lot about relationships" (I'm red with embarrassment even as I recall it).

God has seen fit to reveal to me just how much (rather, how little) I know about relationships over the last few years. It has been a humbling...NO, it has been a humiliating process for me. Now don't get me wrong, I have learned a lot along the way, but not near as much as I could have had I not been so arrogant. God has only recently brought me to the point where I can truthfully acknowledge and confess: 

"I know very little about relationships."

False intimacy is all around us. However, before I continue on that thought allow me to qualify true intimacy as simply as I can (I'm learning simplicity is the true spice of life): 

Intimacy = IN - TO - ME - YOU - SEE. 

If it is true intimacy, you see into me...you see me for who I really am. Simple, right? Easy in concept, difficult in practice.

So false intimacy is provided in anything or anyone in which the "feeling" of intimacy and closeness is mimicked but not genuinely produced. Let's take pornography as an example. For men to be intimate, it takes work, practice, process, pain, and vulnerability...which takes an attitude of humility as this is a serious weakness for most men. Pornography offers to most men ready access to sexual pleasure with a picture...an image. No work, no process, no competition...and in our sinful, fleshy minds it provides someone who we can control and access anytime we desire without the pain or process of true intimacy. 

In this sinful, fallen world true intimacy comes with a price: pain & shameful nakedness. No, I'm not talking about something sexual as in bodily nudity or exposure. What I'm talking about is the kind of emotional, mental, and spiritual nakedness that takes off all the walls, all the masks, and all the false pretenses that keep others at a distance from knowing what is really going on inside of our hearts and minds. 

We have all been hurt by one person or another throughout our lives. I don't care how wonderful your upbringing may have been, your parents, siblings, or friends have and will always let you down in one way or another...it's a guarantee. Some have even vindictively hurt us with evil intent. Because we get hurt, we use that as an excuse to find relief from the pain in everything and anyone besides God. 

I'm guilty of this...and I have been for the better part of the 30 years of my existence.

iFail. 

I have kept everyone at a 'safe' distance from knowing who I really am. I have sought out MANY brands of false intimacy throughout my life, and NONE have fulfilled me at all. However, God, being Love that He is, has pursued me and shown me over the last 5 years how to have true, intimate, vulnerable, and sometimes painful intimacy with him and with a few brothers in Christ...and now my family.

I've learned a lot, but make no mistake about it...I realize I have a LONG way to go. The amazing thing though is that though I fail time and time again, I can get back up and continue forward again by God's unending grace. 

"The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked." Proverbs 24:16

Bread alone

I used to work for GNC. I sold vitamins and work-out supplements. For some reason, it seemed most people shopping there thought I was a nutrionist or dietitian and based on some of the disclosure I received, I think some people thought I was a doctor (I never knew about menopause, prenatal vitamins, or hysterectomies was until I started working there...thank you to all the +50 year old women who shop at GNC). Obviously, I am none of these.

However, I learned a lot about diets, supplements, vitamins, and how the body reacts to many of the things we put into it. One of the interesting tid-bits I learned was that if you eat 4-6 small meals (on a balanced diet including veggies, fruits, complex carbohydrates, good fats (GASP!...they do exist) and proteins) in a given day, it increases your metabolism which increases your energy levels, awareness, and brain function. I once told this to a truck driver who was about 35 lbs. overweight and had no time to work out. After taking my advice on what a proper diet is (no more Ho-Hos or Philly Cheese Sandwiches from the truck stops), 6 weeks later he came back and I couldn't recognize him...he was SO skinny!

Did you know that the average American consumes just under 4,000 calories a day? It's no wonder that in 2009 around 26.7% of Americans were overweight and in 2008, 16.9% of our children were obese...and all indications are the numbers are escalating. (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm59e0803a1.htm?s_cid=mm59e0803a1_e%0D%0A)
(http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/obesity_child_07_08/obesity_child_07_08.htm)

Why am I mentioning all of this? I believe the escalation in the obesity rate of our society is pointing to something far more sinister than our lack of discipline in diets and excercise.

Not to toot my own horn, but I used to be pretty disciplined in fasting. Now don't get me wrong...I don't think fasting is the key to reducing the obesity rate of America, but please...bear with me. In the last 2 years, I have gotten away from fasting as a spiritual discipline altogether and it's been more to my detriment than anything. Through encouragement from others in the Body, and the Holy Spirit's leading, I am re-instating this discipline in my spiritual journey once again.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is Jesus' response to the tempation by Satan after fasting for 40 days (one day of fasting for me and it feels like my stomach is trying to eat my liver and kidneys). Jesus' reply to the temptation of trying to feed himself is amazing: "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matt. 4:4) Jesus quoted Deuteronomy 8:3. Here's what is in the context of that passage:

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Isn't that crazy? God 'caused them to hunger' so that HE could feed them and teach them to depend on HIM alone! What if God did that with the American church? What if you didn't know where your next meal was coming from or how you would be able to feed your family? With our ever-increasing love of food, wouldn't we be even quicker than the Hebrews to complain and rebel? How dependent are we on God alone? I believe our waistlines testify that we don't really rely on Him as much as we say/think we do.

Food is just one example of thousands of ways in which I attempt to be dependent on myself instead of God. It's amazing how incapable I am of loving God and others when I have that gnawing pain of hunger in my gut. It's in these times in which I am slowly (and often times painfully) learning that I don't really live on bread alone, but on God and His commands...His words...His truth.

From discomfort to discouragement in 3.2 seconds

Comfort zones. We love them. We will fight for them and protect them at almost any cost. I have been pondering this for some time now. I think of them as layers and layers of padding we put up around us to protect ourselves from...well, from discomfort. What do they look like? Well, it varies but here are some examples: eating excessively, working excessively, trying to never be alone, video games, pornagraphy, drugs, alcohol-abuse, working out excessively, reading excessively, seeking another relationship with the opposite sex, buying stuff you don't need, etc. The list obviously goes on and on.

God is constantly trying to break us out of these so-called comfort zones. Why? Is it because He pleasures in seeing us writhe in agony as we try to crawl back into our self-made, pain-preventing layers like a worm trying to wiggle back into the soft, moist soil? I don't think so. I am learnig that God hates our comfort zones because of where they come from: the sinful human heart.

Pain. We hate it. We do almost anything within our natural resources to prevent, avoid, and treat the pain we experience in life. The strange thing is that pain is truly unavoidable in this world. We ALL will experience pain, whether emotionally, physcially, mentally, relationally, and spiritually. No matter how good your upbringing may have been, we all have experienced pain on one level or another, whether past or present. If you don't believe this, then you're in the La-La Land of Denial. In the words of one of my mentors: "Get real dude."

Because we are naturally selfish creatures, we try to protect ourselves. So, instead of humbling ourselves and trusting God to protect and heal us, we grow self-focused and seek everything under the sun to take care of our hurts. ALL of us are guilty of this. You know how I know this? As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one" (Romans 3:10-12).

One of the interesting things I recently learned about myself is that when I encounter discomfort of any kind, I will do one of 2 things: I will either try to immediately self-medicate or I'll try to figure out why I'm uncomfortable and when I can't figure out why, I will become discouraged in the drop of a hat....and then I'll try to self-medicate to deal with the pain of the discouragement. "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless" (Eccl. 1:2).

I claim to walk with God & yet I have done this for years. Why do I do this? Why can't I learn to just trust Him?? I know I keep coming back to this, but I'm learning that I haven't really believed the words of Jesus when He said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4). He's changed my heart about this...this promise is true...and I know it because I've experienced it. As I have let the pain of my sin, my hurts, and my past flood to the surface of my heart, He has comforted me, as a loving parent comforts their crying child.

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land" (Psalm 37:7-9).