The inner journey MUST precede the outward journey

So...it's been a while since I last left an update this way. I am going to start writing my updates via this blog and will add the link to all email updates from here on out. 

NOTE: If you want to follow along, look to your left on my page and click the button that says "Posts" right under the heading "Subscribe To." If you use Google or Yahoo as your homepage, it will show any blog updates there. 

I'm doing very well...though sometimes I wonder why my timing is alway so very different than God's. It seems He has NO problem making things take a bit longer than I (and many others) would ever want or expect. It's amazing all the areas of life we believe we have control or power over...but I'm starting to see more and more that in human terms, power and control...and comfort, outside of God, are illusions. 

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes in The Message. I know, I know...I'm now officially a flaming liberal because I read The Message, but I'm telling you, it is SO powerful the way Eugene Peterson writes the proverbs of Solomon in current-day English...I highly encourage you to check it out. I digress...

Solomon calls everything under the sun "smoke." It's vanity, useless...SMOKE. Of course, he's referring to everything under the sun apart from God. In Proverbs 3:5-7, Solomon writes:

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; 
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; 
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all. 
   Run to God! Run from evil!"

I'm trusting God on this one. I am tired of trying to figure out everything...I don't know when I will leave. I don't know how I'll leave. I don't know what it will really be like day in and day out living in Central Asia. There are a billion things I don't know...but I know the One who does. This alone gives me comfort. He alone gives me self-control.

All this to say, I am patiently and diligently seeking Him as He leads me on the journey to the center of my dark, sinful, ugly heart. This 'inner' journey is the prerequisite for me to leave. No 'out-bound' journeys for now...at least, not yet. I'm prepared and longing to unload all the baggage of my past wounds, habits, hang-ups and hurts on the Cross. I heard a man once say we often go to Calvary for salvation, but rarely do we go through Calvary for healing. 

I just wrote a dear friend these words about some self-revelation that He has shown me:

"I have been spiritually blind for most of my life. I thought I could see, but I have been blinded on some level. You see, I have studied the Word for years...I have been a believer since I was 7. However, I hadn't let the light of Jesus enter to every area of my life. I have been a Pharisee. The Pharisees could see with their eyes and 'thought' they could see with spiritual eyes. 

It's amazing how people who had been blind their whole lives could "see" Jesus the moment He was in their presence and yet the Pharisees couldn't. Who was really blind?

I finally see now...He has healed my spiritual eyes and has answered my prayer from Ephesians 1:18 that the 'eyes of my heart may be enlightened(...).' Last year, He cracked the foundation to all my walls: Pride. Then He started pushing over all my walls and alas, there they were: Know-It-All Attitude, Quick-to-talk-slow-to-listen, Rebellious to Authority, Disrespect towards women, Un-trusting of leaders and women, addiction to Video Games, False Intimacy. I'll stop there, but there's a huge mess now....a beautiful, huge mess that only He can clean up. 

I'm broken for the first time in my life...fully, and truly broken. I heard a quote once that says, "Brokenness always precedes faith." I never fully understood that quote until now. This season of my life is this: I, the prodigal, have finally come home...my shame exposed for all to see, and the Father running to cover protect me from condemnation & lovingly accept me as His son...ready to receive His cleansing of my sin, my shame, & my death. My deepest, darkest sins and secrets now lie exposed. I'm naked...and yet He still accepts me and calls me His own. 

For the first time, I have realized that in my heart, I am really no better than Hitler, Stalin, or Mussolini. I am just as wicked and depraved and fallen. It's only by God's grace that I haven't outwardly committed genocide."

Ok, I'll stop there...this is getting too long and most of you won't get far enough to read this line. 

Thank you for everything....your prayers, your support, your encouragements, your exhortations...I cannot survive nor thrive without them...you are blessed and blessing me and others in incredible ways!